A Recalibration of Recess

I won’t forget it. It was a weekday in May of last year (2024) and I headed out for a bike ride. I was set on doing my local climb - up Deer Creek and back down. About a 1,600 ft climb. It was during a stretch of a few week’s time period where I really didn’t have much motivation to ride. Despite from having an upcoming trip to the Azores for cycling, I hadn’t been terribly excited to go out on rides on my own (or in fact with other people). I felt slow and out of breath, lonely while on rides by myself and that I was going through motions to check a box. And, in addition to all of those things, I was in a period of real, constant anxiety with most of it being tied to my kids. One of them going through a stressful period with soccer tryouts and the other being in “a season” of how difficult it can be to navigate life at a young adult age. I know that often times I have preached about how good it can be to exercise for an outlet of anxiety but, in this period of life, I couldn’t get to a place of getting out of my own head. So, rather than having bike rides be a place/state of play and mental clarity, it felt like I was put into a small box…and I just couldn’t get out of it. But, determined to check the near daily box of “the bike ride”, I endured the pain and struggle that I was feeling I and kept going. But…it was on that day in May that there was a real break in the dam. While climbing up the beautiful road that I had so often enjoyed, I was so uncomfortable and felt so full of anxiety, that I just started crying. And crying. I didn’t want to be there at all. I asked myself why I was doing this to myself. I got to the top of the climb and made a commitment to myself that I would start from Square 1 with fitness and exercise. That I would attempt to recreate my relationship to it, what I wanted it to look like in my life and embrace a renewed approach to it. A recalibration of Recess. And that’s exactly what I did. Here’s the story:

About two weeks after that realization on my climb, I headed off the Azores. I didn’t bike at all between that ride on my local climb and arriving in the Azores. I only sauna-ed. :) But, arriving in the Azores with a great set of friends exploring the island felt amazing. The six rides there reminded me about one of the awesome things I love about riding bikes: the ability to explore. At home there wasn’t much of that…it was a lot of loops in familiar 20 mile routes. Okay, I thought: Note 1: exercise is better when it involves exploration. Note 2: While I don’t mind riding by myself, it's better to share the road with a friend or few. Recreating with friends is good soul food! The trip ended up being extremely wonderful to realize how much I loved riding bikes with the themes of exploration and friendship being part of it. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy riding bikes…it was just that my riding had become pretty much one dimensional and, if I’m honest…fairly boring. Things I could absolutely change if I set my mind to it!

Following the Azores trip, life got a bit busy but I still had my “Recess recalibration” on my mind and had work to do to set it right. I did a bit of biking here and there but was busy with work and had a full schedule with Holland’s soccer so I let things be. But then, in early June, I made a trip to Missouri with Holland for a week for soccer and kicked the recalibration mode up a bit because I tried to go running on the trip….which was a pretty big failure. While I made it four miles doing a run/walk combo, what I wasn’t prepared for was the following four days of being intensely sore. To be honest, it was embarrassing. I thought I was an athlete but what I had done the past few years was become so fixated on hitting a certain number of miles in Strava that I had rationalized this as a favorable measurement for fitness. Yes, some of it was fun (especially when it involved a sense of exploration and friends!). But a lot of hit was purely to hit a “metric that I had made up for myself. I had assigned myself this metric and, given I’m a dedicated and goal-focused person, I was using it as my value system. I had to change my metrics and, in turn, my value system!

The next step in my journey was then to start from scratch with many things. I bought a new pair of running shoes, I got a ruck sack, when I packed for my summer trips to Wisconsin and Maine, I packed multi-sport gear that I hadn’t used in years. Yes, I brought bikes with me but I brought my beginner-self as well. I was a newbie. Then, I started a rotation of sorts, I did all the sports. Slow and a bit clunky. Even 20-30 minutes at a time counted. And, while uncomfortable, I began to do away with the value metric I had set for myself. Not focused on seeing 20+ miles on my daily Strava but rather feeling pleased that I was doing a variety of activities. When I got to Maine, I swam and ran most days. 3-4 miles running at a time and maybe swimming around 30 minutes a day. I still rode my bike every few days but I realized that the joy of movement - in all its forms - is something I truly love and I had been neglecting. The variety of activities felt great and I was becoming a more wholesome athlete again. :) I ran with neighbors, explored on my bike and rode with Chris, swam along the lake front and said hello to kayakers and loons. I was feeling good athletically and more connected to others as well. Another big plus.

Once I was back from Maine, I kicked the newbie spirit into a higher gear and started going to CrossFit with my neighbor twice a week. I was a true fish out of the water but I was so happy. I was doing things for the first time, testing myself in ways I hadn’t done in years and, above all else, I was putting myself out there connecting with people and making new friends. It’s now been six months since I joined the gym and it’s truly one of the best decisions I’ve made in many years. Yes, I’m becoming a better athlete because of it, which I’m very happy about, but it also reminded me of the poem by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It’s never too late to be whatever you want to be.

From where I was in May to where I’m at today, it’s been an amazing journey. I love being a more well rounded athlete again. I love that I faced a difficult time and was honest with myself in assessing it. I’m glad that I was extremely uncomfortable for a good while in figuring this out but that I believed in the journey. I’m glad I embraced a beginner mentality. I love that I redefined my “value metric” into something that I feel very good about versus continuing to cling to a value just because I had assigned it to myself. It was arbitrary to begin with but we get into an identity mode and that can be a hard thing to shift. And, I’m glad I opened myself up to new friendships. This alone keeps us young and playing + I have a much improved Vo2 max:) . And then the other wonderful things that came from this was the spirit of saying yes to people. Yes I’ll go on a hike. Yes, I’ll play soccer. Yes, I’ll sign up for that running race. Yes to sauna + cold plunge. Yes to more skinning and skiing. And saying yes to myself that I can do other hard things: Yes I can reduce my sugar intake (I’ve nearly cut it completely!). Yes, I I can get off my anxiety medication (I did it!). Yes, I can cut my alcohol consumption (nearly in half most weeks). Yes to a new metric/value system as an athlete. And, most importantly yes to more adventure, yes to a better mindset of play and, in general… Yes to more Advanced Recess!

I wanted to write this for myself but also for anyone looking for inspiration/motivation/support in redefining themselves. Once again, it’s extremely motivating to me what F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote: It’s never too late to be whatever you want to be….even when it comes to Recess. An A+ awaits (on your terms). Go get it!

Sitting in the Sun and Doing Nothing

Let’s play!